I remember the first time I looked in the mirror at my adult body and felt happy with what I saw. I was fourteen years old, in my mother's apartment, and for the first time I noticed that I had curves. Beautiful, sensual curves. Broad hips, a supple belly. Breasts that were full and heavy and hung like a woman's. A waist that swept deliberately upward, balancing my top and bottom. An ass that was full, curving up from my soft, rounded thighs. The dark matting of my pubic hair hiding the mound of my womanhood.
I was beautiful. Raw, rubenesque. No longer a girl, I was a woman. I matched every description I had in my head of what a real woman, a beautiful woman should look like. The women I knew growing up were strong, broad women - healthy as oxen with childbearing hips. They wore their femininity proudly, walking through the world with confidence and sensuality.
Later that day, I was told that I was getting heavy and I needed to lose weight. That was the most crushing blow to my self esteem that I'd ever suffered.
Growing up I was tiny. From the time I was seven to the time I was thirteen, I was on Ritalin, which severely reduced my appetite and increased my metabolism. In all of my pictures during that time period, I was a skeleton. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my bones were easily visible under my skin. I had hollows in most places where I now have curves. I looked like I was drugged most of the time (and really, I was).
Since then I've gained quite a bit of weight. At my last doctor's appointment, I was 5'4 and 255 lbs. In August, I weighed 282lbs. Everyone tells me, on a fairly regular basis, that I need to lose weight, if only for health reasons.
And now, I find that I'm on another medication - a different medication, that's cut my appetite considerably. I've lost twelve pounds since April. I'm slimming down. On one hand - I feel good, better about myself. I'm healthier. My clothes fit better. I'm getting more attention.
On the other hand, I'm sadder. I love my curves. I love being healthy and sensual. I enjoy my badonkadonk. A part of me is worried that I'll be losing an essential part of my sensuality if I lose all the weight.
A lot of sites I go to tell me that I should be 135 and the prospect of that terrifies me. I think I'd look horribly thin and angular. And while I find naturally thin and angular women attractive - I don't think I would be very attractive like that. I love being a pretty big girl. I was somewhat relieved to come across a site that said I could stand to lose between 50 and 75lbs. I think I could be comfortable between 180-205 lbs. I'd be happy - not too big, not too small.
I have another rant about attractiveness later. But I'm satisfied with what I have to say for now.
