Because I'm Pretty

At over 220lbs today and steadily dropping, and quite pleased with my results, I announced to my mother my intentions to go and get a cocktail dress, and I would take my rather attractive and trendy friend Betsy* with me. 

Betsy is model-hot. Thin, beautiful, Nigerian, and intelligent, she's gorgeous and wears trendy clothes. When I want to buy new outfits or shoes, I take her with me because she's a good judge of what looks good and is fashionable. I don't always take her advice - she advised me once to get six inch heels to entice a man to bed who is already quite devoted to me and very comfortable with my level of girliness without the overkill of red patent-leather stilettos, but I digress. 

I dress for comfort most days. Jeans or exercise clothes and t-shirts, my one vanity is the itty-bitty tight t-shirt. I'm a big-chested woman and when I want to feel sexy I like to wear a shirt that will highlight my assets. My mother disapproves of this practice and has remarked that I don't have the body to carry it off. I do - she's just uncomfortable with the level of attention I get when I wear clothes like that. 

When my mother learned that Betsy and I were going shopping for cocktail dresses, she cautioned me against dressing like a whore. I remarked to her that while no offense was intended, the last outfit she'd bought for me made me look frumpy (a raspberry colored sweater and long skirt). This wasn't a comment I had made - she'd deliberately asked a mutual friend Carla* to help me pick out some newer, trendier clothes and she was the one who told me to stop wearing the sweater-and-skirt combos. 

I like feeling pretty, but I hate the discomfort that women force upon themselves for the sake of looking good. It's entirely possible to be beautiful and not have sore feet and feel squeezed and out of breath at the end of the day. Therefore, I refuse to wear anything that will make me feel even the slightest bit of discomfort or look overtly slutty in the dressing room.

While I do have a great rack, and my ass is pretty pert, my legs leave something to be desired, so I don't intend on wearing anything that bares too much of that. I want something classy, that I can wear more than once (I'm stupidly frugal). I'm not going to have any illusions about my midsection either (Even though overall, I'm shaping up nicely).

My mother gave me the most backhanded comment afterwards. "You've got a mixed blessing. I raised you to have a positive body image, but your body image right now is too positive." 

That, quite frankly, is a load of crap. How can we expect girls today to have any sort of positive feelings of self worth if we keep sending them mixed messages like that?

I ran into a co-worker in the bathroom who was disgruntled about the way her bra fit (it was quite ill-fitting) and she stated she hadn't been fitted for a bra in a while because she didn't want to know what size she was. If we're not Vogue-perfect models we treat our bodies as if they're houses to be remodeled - always griping about what needs to be repaired but too afraid to call the repairman or do the work ourselves. 

We rarely appreciate the positive qualities about ourselves, and that's a damned shame. I've started to give out the "hot girl's excuse" - initially as a joke, but it's really done wonders for my self esteem in the years since I started using it. I smile more - partly at the joke, but partly because I'm actually starting to believe my own hype. 

What is this magical excuse? I hear you ask. 

Because I'm pretty. It's my excuse, my reason, my explanation for everything. It's stupid, it's trite, and it's cliche - and it works. Even in completely inapplicable situations - it works. 

"You're really good when dealing with people." Because I'm pretty.

"Your story was very thoughtful and put together very well." Thanks! It's because I'm pretty!

"Do you need help with that?" Yes, I can't do it on my own... because I'm pretty.

Sounds stupid, right? That's why I started saying it - as a joke, to make light of the situation, inject some humor into it. And people either got the joke, and laughed with me - or they didn't, which was funny on its own to me. But the people who got it, got in on it. When you're laughing, you're smiling - and people tend to smile more with you (especially if you're pretty). 

Here's where it got interesting. I started to share my little joke - when people would have epiphanies or show me things they did, or when they caught on to something I was teaching them - I would complement them, not on the things they were doing, but on how pretty they were - sometimes in person, but more often in an impersonal and non-visual medium like over the phone or online - and especially women would smile and laugh with me. 

We don't complement each other enough. We fight and argue and pick each other apart in our little spiteful girl gamees. "You could stand to lose a few pounds," "She's such a slut," "God, she doesn't know how to dress." We're so image conscious that we immediately fall to the flaws instead of picking out the beauty. 

For a week, try telling people how pretty they are. If pretty is too silly or cliche for you, try "You know, I really love that color on you," or "I love that perfume you're wearing," or "You have really pretty eyes." Don't pick things that are arbitrary - that's why pretty works. It's generic enough that it applies to pretty much everyone without specifying what it is that's so pretty. It's an instant mood lifter - even if people think you're joking, they'll smile - and hey, that makes them prettier already. 

*Names and details changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Love Story, Part One

He was foreign, so, of course, no one wanted to deal with him. People don't like dealing with others who aren't native speakers of their language - it's a primal thing, it makes them harder to understand, makes them inherently other to the point of wanting to put it off as long as possible. He was obviously frustrated at the lack of attention. 

And so I, in my infinite grace, and girl-ness, decided to be the goodwill ambassador and help him out. He was fluent in English, and remarkably easy to deal with, even with the communications breakdown that inevitably occurs over the internet. I got him approved to play, and gave him some advice to get the ball rolling. He thanked me, and went on his way.

A few days later, I saw his post on our forums; he was looking for people to play with. I silently cheered him on, and hoped he got some responses. A week or so later, he was lamenting the lack of responses. Again, my girl-ness would not let this go by, and so I approached him, not in my official capacity, but as one player to another and offered myself to him, as someone to play with. I told him about my character, and as he told me about his, I cut him off telling him "I know. I sanctioned you." 

We played together and found ourselves compatible. I found that the usual boundaries imposed by language barriers didn't exist with him. We talked, both in and out of characters, and were able to play well off of each other. Out of character, we found we had several things in common - we liked the same sort of games and the same sort of movies. I found I grew ever more curious of this European, and the information we shared grew increasingly more personal. We traded stories, pictures, frustrations. 

I am usually content to allow my online relationships a personable distance and an occasional visit to Stateside friends, more to satisfy personal curiousity than to develop deep, involved romances (not to say I haven't lost both my head and my heart online before, but experience has made me cautious). I have made intimations to visit friends in other countries, but always put it off for other, better, and more immediate things to spend my money on. 

And then, one day came the conversation that would change everything.

"You should come visit me," he said, "here in Denmark."

"Sure," came my flippant remark. "I'll come to Denmark, if you'll pay for it." It's a response I give to discourage people from making unreasonable suggestions. It's one thing to expect me to pay for everything, it's something else if you put the cost in someone else's pockets. 

"Sure." He said, quite simply. 

It floored me. People weren't supposed to call my bluff and agree to that, especially not for a thousand dollar trip. Obviously there was more to this man than I had originally thought.

It is noted that I don't write enough

Someone told my mother, who told me in return, that I was one of the greatest actresses they had ever seen, after one of my seizures.

To you, sir, I say "fuck you."

I wish I was just acting. I really, really do. There are few things in this world more terrifying than being trapped in my own body. To be able to think and experience as normal but to not be able to act - no reaction, no proaction  - to this world. My mind works just as quickly as every other times, but my words won't come out, my hands slow down, my feet shuffle, my eyes won't focus. My body, normally so obedient, rebels. 

And afterwards, the exhaustion. It's understandable to see why people would think I was faking. A good rest and I'm back to normal. But I'll usually take a full day off after a seizure because I can't stand the embarrassment of explaining it. 

People don't know what to do. I try to explain before hand what the levels of seizures are and what to do - just be patient through the stuttering (and by God, DON'T FINISH MY SENTENCES!), if it's anything worse just get me somewhere safe and let me sleep it off. I've had people offer the strangest things during an episode - during my last seizure my boss offered me water and a towel. I'm not entirely sure what water and a towel will do for someone with limited motor control, but at least he was trying. 

I'll try to be more consistent here with updates to soothe my angry, angry public and satisfy their demand.

Pretty Big Girl

I remember the first time I looked in the mirror at my adult body and felt happy with what I saw. I was fourteen years old, in my mother's apartment, and for the first time I noticed that I had curves. Beautiful, sensual curves. Broad hips, a supple belly. Breasts that were full and heavy and hung like a woman's. A waist that swept deliberately upward, balancing my top and bottom. An ass that was full, curving up from my soft, rounded thighs. The dark matting of my pubic hair hiding the mound of my womanhood. 

I was beautiful. Raw, rubenesque. No longer a girl, I was a woman. I matched every description I had in my head of what a real woman, a beautiful woman should look like. The women I knew growing up were strong, broad women - healthy as oxen with childbearing hips. They wore their femininity proudly, walking through the world with confidence and sensuality. 

Later that day, I was told that I was getting heavy and I needed to lose weight.  That was the most crushing blow to my self esteem that I'd ever suffered. 

Growing up I was tiny. From the time I was seven to the time I was thirteen, I was on Ritalin, which severely reduced my appetite and increased my metabolism. In all of my pictures during that time period, I was a skeleton. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my bones were easily visible under my skin. I had hollows in most places where I now have curves. I looked like I was drugged most of the time (and really, I was). 

Since then I've gained quite a bit of weight. At my last doctor's appointment, I was 5'4 and 255 lbs. In August, I weighed 282lbs. Everyone tells me, on a fairly regular basis, that I need to lose weight, if only for health reasons. 

And now, I find that I'm on another medication - a different medication, that's cut my appetite considerably. I've lost twelve pounds since April. I'm slimming down. On one hand - I feel good, better about myself. I'm healthier. My clothes fit better. I'm getting more attention. 

On the other hand, I'm sadder. I love my curves. I love being healthy and sensual. I enjoy my badonkadonk.  A part of me is worried that I'll be losing an essential part of my sensuality if I lose all the weight. 

A lot of sites I go to tell me that I should be 135 and the prospect of that terrifies me. I think I'd look horribly thin and angular. And while I find naturally thin and angular women attractive - I don't think I would be very attractive like that. I love being a pretty big girl. I was somewhat relieved to come across a site that said I could stand to lose between 50 and 75lbs. I think I could be comfortable between 180-205 lbs. I'd be happy - not too big, not too small. 

I have another rant about attractiveness later. But I'm satisfied with what I have to say for now. 

Dating Tip# 4 - Conversation, or How to Put the "Witty" in your Repartee

Human beings are social creatures by nature. We love to talk, about our interests, our thoughts, ourselves. We thrive on an exchange of thoughts and ideas, wanting to perpetuate these ideas and share them with as many people as possible. It's easy to get someone to start talking about themselves or things they believe in.

But conversation, like a relationship, is a two way exchange. One-sided conversations aren't very fun, and it's important to pay attention to those little cues in a conversation that indicate that you've lost your audience.

Keep Your Conversation Topical

I see this one time and time again. I'll be having a conversation with a guy - and we'll be talking about something really interesting - chemistry, or books, or games - and he'll suddenly turn the conversation to sex or my breasts or something completely off topic. At that point it feels like he's not interested in me, but interested instead in my body or just getting some. I cannot tell you how BORING that is. Even if I was interested in the man in the first place, derailing my conversation from the interesting to the wanton totally cuts that interest.

There are ways to gauge when the right moment is to drop those sort of subtle, sensual hints. And sometimes, it's okay to be brazen and open - but if you're going to do that, do it from the begining - and those sort of hookups rarely last beyond one nigh. This advice is intended for more for long term relationships - or just getting your foot in the door. When you do want to lead a conversation in that direction, it's important to let things move in a natural direction. Don't force a conversation into sensual, as forcing it tends to ruin the intended effect. Start small. If your partner seems interested, take it further. If not, let it drop.

Are They Really Interested?

Now, there are several cues to tell if the person you're talking to is really into you. Maintaining eye contact is important - if they're genuinely interested, they'll keep looking at you. People who aren't really interested tend to have eyes that wander, or focus on a single thing and glaze over. They also won't have any real response - instead, they'll nod and make noncommittal responses (Yeah, uh huh, of course). People who are interested lean in; people who are disinterested lean back, and people who aren't interested cross their arms over their chest in a defensive pose. If they're interested, they won't use breaks in the conversation to change the subject or keep checking their watches or cellphones.

Know Your Audience

Be prepared to discuss a variety of topics, and also be prepared to let the other person control the flow of a conversation. Try to get an idea of what the other person's likes or interests are, and direct the conversation on that course. For example; I'm one of those girls who likes games - which is easy for most guys to talk about. I'm not a hardcore gamer, but I can usually manage to hold my own in conversations like that. But gaming isn't all I do and it isn't something I want to talk about all the time. I also stay up on current affairs and I love to cook, which are two things I can really talk about for extended periods of time, but I wouldn't subject the average guy I met to a discussion on baking techniques unless I knew he was really into it as well. Most people have some level of common ground somewhere.

Important topics to stay away from up front - Religion and Politics! These are two very hotbutton issues with people, and should definitely be discussed, but only when both people are very comfortable with each other and can stand to be a little offended. It's easy to talk about both of them because people tend to be very passionate about them, but you never really know who you're going to offend by what you say with them so it's best to play safe until you have a better idea.

Of course, religion and politics can be dealbreakers, so you want to make sure that you discuss things before they get too far. But while you're getting to know someone, it's best to stick to safer topics.

Be Prepared - To Listen

Don't talk at people. That's a quick turn off for most people, and what makes people tune out the fastest, where someone drones on and on and never lets someone get the word in edgewise. Try to keep your answers brief, but informative, and don't dither. Remember, brevity is the soul of wit, and I'd much rather hear a quick, quippy comment than some long droning statement that takes twenty words to say what can be said in ten. Most people are too polite to point out when you're talking at them, so be alert for this common pitfall that can turn people off.

Give the other person a chance to talk too - even if you're not that interested in what they're talking about, be polite enough to hear them out, and you may be surprised at what you learn. Don't try to change the subject on someone, and try to let a conversation flow naturally from one point to another. If you're reminded of another anecdote, let them finish before going off on your own tangent - you'll win more points for listening than for dominating the conversation.

Dating Tip# 3 - Hygiene - Or, Cleanliness is Next to Sexiness

Please, please, please.

Please.

For all that is wonderful and important, please bathe before you try to pick someone up. Take a shower, use soap, wash your hair, put on some smell-um-good. Wear clean clothes, comb your hair, brush your teeth. Make yourself presentable.

I can't tell you the number of guys I've passed on because they didn't look clean enough, or they smelled wrong. Now for some people, there are certain inescapable physical qualities that put them at a disadvantage - and so those people will have to make up in other areas - but at least make the effort of cleaning yourself up.

Helpful Hint - Find a perfume/cologne/bodyspray that works right for you and smells good on you, and keep a small bottle of it in your car or purse for emergencies.

Smell is SEXY. A man who's good looking will get my attention, but a man who smells good will turn my head. I'll take time to approach a man if he smells right. Don't underestimate this. It's simple, it's easy, and it doesn't take any particular time or effort.

DON'T overdo it. Two sprays should be plenty. Spray it either over your head and let it fall on you, or spray it before you and walk into it. Don't rub it on you either - that dampens the smell. Let it fall and integrate naturally with your own body odor (and everyone has body odor, and sometimes that alone is a sexy thing, but you have to be really, really intimate to catch the smell, and I'm not one for randomly smelling strangers).

Now, there is a school of thought that advises you go all out every time you walk out the door - perfectly clean and ironed clothes, hair and makeup done, blasting the cologne. If you do that, then that's fine, really, whatever works for you - but I get plenty of attention in jeans and flip-flops, with my hair loose or in a ponytail. If he's not interested in me when I'm chilling out in comfortable clothes, then I don't need him that bad.

Important, Important, Important!

Do NOT neglect your smile. Brush your teeth. Use breath mints. Smile, Smile, Smile! Cultivate a good smile and laugh - that gets them every time (and yes, it is possible to actually cultivate both). In attracting our potential mates, we do a lot of talking, and ideally, we'll spend a lot of time watching each other's mouths. Show your teeth - it suggests openness and approachability, and let your smile reach your eyes - let them crinkle a bit around the edges - that suggests humor. Your teeth don't have to be perfectly white but your breath must not smell horrible. Keep breathmints or breath strips on hand. And laugh! Don't be afraid to laugh at jokes - but be genuine when you are laughing - people can usually pick up on when someone's laughing just to humor them.

Dating Tip# 2 - No Means No - Or, How to Take a Hint

So you've got your confidence together, and you walk up to your catch of the day, and you ask her out.

Only to get shot down horribly. Or perhaps politely. Or even just a wishy-washy "maybe some other time."

Don't sweat it. Even if you've built this person up in your mind and rationalized all the ways that they're absolutely perfect for you, understand that that idealized person is not the person you've asked out. Relationships, by their very nature, are multi-person ventures. Fantasies are very one-sided, and it's very easy to let that fantasy get in the way of the reality of the situation. Don't do that.

Accept that the other person has rights and feelings too, and they may not be that into you - and that's Okay! While there's something to be said for persistence, if you keep asking over and over again and you're consistently getting a "no", then maybe you should let it go.

A lot of people fear the "friendzone"; where the ones who didn't make their move fast enough end up. But the truth is, a lot of people are doomed to the "friendzone" from the beginning. It is possible to get out of the friendzone, but it takes change on a massive level from one or both parties. You can't get out of the friendzone so long as you're in the same mindset you were in when you entered it. Don't count on this happening - even though it does, on rare occasions, and those romances are wonderful things - as it can really ruin a good friendship. And a lot of times, that's more important, keeping a long-term bond rather than lose it over something so intransient as dating.

Treasure the friendships that you have - and don't rely on them to become something more. Instead, if you do get relegated to that friendzone, find out if your interest has friends with similar interests that might also be single. While you may not be going out with the one you originally wanted, you might find someone similar with some of the same features you found appealing - or perhaps newer, different ones.

You never know.

Dating Tip# 1 - Confidence - Fortune Favors the Bold

So, there are woes in the dating community. Men don't know what women want, women don't know what men want, and there's all sorts of confusion on how to net your catch of the day. I've decided I'm going to throw out bits of advice for those of you out there on what particularly works for me; this may not apply across the board but I'm hoping these few tips will help you out.

Beyond anything out there, confidence is supremely important. You have to be confident in yourself if you're going to get anywhere. I would much rather go out with a guy who's got the self confidence to ask me out than one who hems and haws at the fringe of my friendzone for months before making his move.

It doesn't take long for women to make their decisions about whether or not they'd want to go out with a guy - and while we will occasionally sample from the friendzone pool, we're more interested in the stranger that we don't know who's bold enough to ask us out.

It's sexy, it's intriguing. I'm more likely to go out with the guy who says "Go out with me," than I am to go out with the guy who asks "Will you please go out with me." It's not a manners thing - the question is implied - and you can cover social interaction on the date. It's the assertion that you will take me out and we will have a good time. It's like a guarantee. I don't want maybe, I want certainty.

I'm not against guys who are polite - to be completely honest, I'll go out with anyone who asks, because I'm that sort of curious person. It may not lead anywhere but I'll give you a shot. But you're more likely to get my attention by being confident and grabbing it than you will waiting around for me to look your way.